Ignorance was bliss, it hurts now that i have woken up!!!
krishnaveni | 5 April 2008, 7:47pm
Yawn!!!
It feels like I have been asleep for ages. Don’t go away jumping to the conclusion that I always sleep. Well, sometimes I do. But this sleep is different. You think you know something all your life. And you feel you are sure about this one thing, so sure that nothing can change your mind about it. And then wham! Reality bites. Ouch!! And this is how you wake up from that sleep of ignorance. Whoever said ignorance was bliss, never did mention how life would turn out after you woke up. Sad!! Guess they thought everyone had to figure it out individually.
My ignorance is best illustrated with my trust issues with different kinds of people. I am a sort of a prejudist. I make my assumptions about people and have a really tough time accepting when I am proven wrong. I have learnt to be a little more considerate when judging people owing to the fact that I myself never leave a good first impression. Well now u know that I don’t outright go and bite people I don’t like. Phew!! Now that it’s cleared. I am no people hater!
Since my revelation to be less prejudistic, I am being way too optimistic about everyone. And you know optimism wont work that well. Because I am new to it!!! Maybe I was too long away from people, hibernating in my own thought world and now I know that everything has changed. Relationships are never the same. Friends, the way they treat you has changed. Consider me an oldy, but in our good old days, friends were people who we rated as the next best thing to family. Now, its just people who have time and money to spend with you. No further strings attached.
And the other sort of relation, where you find your “the one”. In good old days, the Mr. Perfect would woo his girl in perfect style. All the courtesies maintained for life. Now, it has come down to this. Be nice till the relationship starts. Then you can be what you are. It’s up to the other person to either live with it or not.
I guess I have been out of touch with this style. So it doesn’t go down so well with me.
And yeah, most of you might be thinking, this is typical girl-talk. But however much insane I might sound right now, some changes are easily noticed. I can understand stuff related to careers and time management. All I know is that there are no excuses for lack of love in a relationship. And I just woke up realizing that I was trying to see reason in excuses.
These realizations strike hard!! Don’t know how long it would take to be normal again. But yeah I would be normal. Everybody does get back to the monotonous boring life again. We all love it that way. Don’t we!!
All I have to say is the following lines are shit… true to my experiences
“You found love. . Don’t fight it”.
If what you found is not yours, fight your way out!!
Current Mood: Cold
Current Music: Teri deewani
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A simple Story
krishnaveni | 6 March 2008, 1:00pm
A silent night,
A teary drop traveling down her cheek.
A silent sob,
Because no one knew she could weep.
Once this face knew nothing of tears,
Had never shown any fears,
So maybe the gods thought that it was the time right,
To see this face cry in fright.
Then came someone in guise,
Who promised the face a hope of paradise.
Little did it know that gods have conspired.
To see it wither in sorrow has them inspired.
That someone was sent to a distant land,
And promises were left at the mercy of the wind,
written in sand.
So now it has come down to this. . .
A silent night,
A teary drop traveling down her cheek.
A silent sob,
Because no one ever knew this face could weep.
Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Music: click
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Nothingness
krishnaveni | 21 January 2008, 6:22pm
The sands of life cast an evil mirage
I see what I want
But it is what I will never get
My own thoughts laugh at me. . .
As my sanity crawls back to the darkest corner ever. . .
Hope and faith are mere echoes
Coming from a distant land. . .
Hush now. . .
My future is sleeping forever. . .
All that people say
Is just a wicked whisper
It keeps reminding me of all that has gone wrong.
Wrongs that cannot be undone. . .
Current Mood: Destructive
Current Music: just plain noise
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The only thing i want
krishnaveni | 7 December 2007, 11:09am
This is my idea of death...
in those last moments..
when everyone says that the entire life flashes before them...
i want my last words to be...
"There you are...
I was looking for u for a long time!!!"
thats how i want it to end... though there might be regrets, i want to live it so well that the only thing i missed all through my life was Death alone.
Current Mood: Heroic
Current Music: silence
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The "NO" Girl
krishnaveni | 30 September 2007, 7:42pm
There she goes. The “NO” girl. Why do I call her that? You would understand why, once you go through the conversation below.
Me: Did u eat?
Her: No.
Me: Will you eat?
Her: Don’t know.
Me: What u doing?
Her: Nothing.
Me: So how’s life treating you? Good?
Her: No. Nothing much happening in life right now.
Me: What do u want to do after your graduation?
Her: Don’t know. Haven’t decided anything.
Me: Why so?
Her: Don’t know.
Me: Is that your standard answer?
Her: No.
Me: So what’s more?
Her: Nothing much.
Me: U going to college tomorrow?
Her: Nopes.
Me: Seen any movies recently?
Her: No.
Me: Do u ever use anything other than no for an answer?
Her: No.
Me: Are u free this Saturday? Can we meet?
Her: No. I am not sure what my plans might be.
Me: Okay. Do u like rock climbing?
Her: No. I am scared of heights.
Me: What about swimming, snorkeling or boating?
Her: No. I am scared of water too.
Me: So u obviously never learnt how to swim.
Her: No. I did learn. And I know how to. But I chose not to.
Me: Okay. So what is it that u are interested in?
Her: Nothing as of now.
Me: What would u say if I told u that u look pretty?
Her: Nothing.
Me: Okay. If u need to know more about me, just shoot questions.
Her: Not now.
Me: Did u check the mail I sent u?
Her: No. Will check it later.
Me: Okay.
So this is how a typical conversation with her goes. Everything is replied with answers ranging from a simple no to nothing or nopes. The “NO” girl.
Now, back to reality. The “Her” is me. To be more clear, the “Her” was me. Now life is different. And its all because I realized that Someday someone might ask u a question, to which u might just have to say “YES”. And I did.
And the “NO” girl has left from within. There she goes.
Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: Sathiya-DARLING
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HAPPINESS :)
krishnaveni | 6 September 2007, 10:09am
Happiness is a big thing. Period. After everything that you say and do, happiness is what you search for. Sometimes I think it’s selfish, me looking for my happiness in everything I do. But then again my happiness lies with somebody else’s. So I am not so selfish after all. *Smiling*.
A friend of mine once said that if we try and define our happiness, we might never be happy. I think I agree. In an indirect sense, once we start expecting something, disappointment creeps in. It’s the same case with happiness. If we define boundaries for our happiness, define what makes us happy and what doesn’t, we might miss out on things that might actually give more happiness. But then again, how will you realize you are happy unless you definitely know what makes you happy.*Thinking*.
Do you think you are dependent if your happiness lies with someone else? It’s not that you can’t be happy on your own. It’s just that the other person makes you even happier.
Does this mean that you are depending on someone emotionally? Is that good or bad? Good because you are trusting someone so much. (For people like me, trust is almost as alien as expecting Rakhi Sawant not to get into issues regarding morality, or Kyunki finally coming to an end.*grinning*). Bad because the thought that the happiness that revolves around someone else does finally come to an end.
So all in all I am confused as always. *Blushing*. But hey, this wouldn’t be the world of the eternally confused without any confusion. Right!!
So, I solemnly swear that I will try to live in the present and leave behind the past and stop worrying about the future.*winking*. Lets see how far that goes.
Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
Current Music: none
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21 Blues
krishnaveni | 8 May 2007, 10:45pm
"Apne bhi pesh aaye ajnabi sabhi... Waqt ki saajish koi samjhe nahi.... Ek muqammal Kashmakashish hain zindagi... Usne kabhi na ki humse dosti..." Okay. So every Emran Hashmi fan can make out where those lines are from. But nevertheless, sometimes people write exactly what you are thinking about. It seems weird but it does happen. So me completing 21 years of my life as the clock strikes midnight today. (This is considering the date of my birth not the time of my birth). And i couldn't find a better way to start it. Writing relieves me, not that i have a lot of tensions in my life but, it gives me some peace of mind. And its for you guys to say if i write good or bad. Anyways, moving on. All i did today was to remember all the things i can about my childhood. This is something i don't usually do but, wanted to today before i step into another new 365 day revolution. Its sometimes amazing how much memory you can have and you can still ignore it for all your life. Everyone remembers everything. It's just that they don't want to think about it. Sometimes a boon, sometimes a bane. My colorful childhood. It had everything to it. All the attention i needed. All the required quantities of fun, tears and before i forget chocolates. I remember this one time that my uncle took me out for a day of fun. I ate so much that day that i think it's the reason i have eating disorders till date.(Just kidding!!!). I remember my first trip to the beach and how scared i was of even getting my feet wet. I stood about 20 feet away from the shore making sure the water would always come close but never touch. And i also remember having that weird feeling of having cheated the sea of its intention to get me wet. My first achievement!!!. I remember the first game i ever played. It was football. I remember my blue tri-cycle and my ever favorite blue dress.( Yeah!! even as a kid i knew how to co-ordinate color). I remember searching for my sister with my cap turned around blinding me. I remember losing my toothpaste shaped pencil box at school while i was transferring. I remember the first ever friend i made at nursery. Her name's Supriya. I remember the letters i wrote to my grandmother. Then i remember transferring myself to this city. I remember meeting my sister after a gap of 6 years. I remember the day my dad brought home a movie audio casette.(This is a memory because we never used to have those things at home). Then that phase passed out. I turned 10. Remember learning how to ride a cycle without the balance wheels all on my own. I did it out of competetion coz my borther, who was younger, was better at it. I learnt it in 2 hours. Another achievement!!! Then Remember the Holi we played in my 7th class... Was a warzone. Though we just played with water, everyone wanted to drench everyone but never get wet themselves. I remember the results in 7th. Best time of my life. I remember the award function and how it rained that day. I remember how my school principal treated me to chocolates. I had made everyone proud. Another achievement!!! But i later realised what cost i had to pay. I was labelled arrogant and egoistic. And i changed myself to be that way from then. Had really good friends at school. The best ones i ever made are from my school days. Then came intermediate. Isolated myself from the real world and kept myself busy with books for about 18 hours a day. And that payed off too. I made it to a good Engineering college. Have been here for three years. Another year and this too will be a distant memory probably about which i will be writing when i turn 30. I have made good friends here too. Everything that comes, goes. So i guess that will happen to these people too. I will become a distant memory for them and they will become so for me. I wont say life has been unfair to me and all that. I didnt make time to keep up on relations outside my family. It's my fault. But i have learnt a lot from the relations i have maintained all this years. The first and most important being that your family will love you even on the days you wont believe in your own self. They accept you as you are, good or bad. A few friends do that too. And if u find them, then you are the luckiest person. I could have bothered to keep up with the first ever friend i made. But life kept me moving on and i have no regrets after reaching this far. And in my future journey, history may repeat itself. But when i write about it again, i wont have any regrets whatsoever. People come and go. You need to change as Life changes, but keeping in mind that u still keep your own identity. Rule Of Life: Always clean your closet because everything should go, except you.
Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Zindagi-Train
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Lies Love and Life
krishnaveni | 19 April 2007, 7:11pm
As long as people tell you what you want to hear, you are pleased with yourself. And because they told you what you want, you will do the same for them. That's how it starts. Others lie to you about you and you lie to your own self. Sometimes you lie to make others feel good. It might be about you or about themselves. And sometimes you lie because you wanna feel good. As long as everyone is satisfied a lie is good. A bunch of lies help you attain self satisfaction, then its justified. But is one contended and happy? I read somewhere that people maybe satisfied but never contended. I guess its true. As long as you keep lying, one lie after another may satisfy your ego or someone else's but will never make them happy (Happiness in the true sense. Momentary happiness is different).
Love. I guess this feeling should be as true and pure as the first rain drop that kisses the ground. But hey, nothing is perfect in this world. You even have acid rains. So love too is a lie. Maynot be entirely false but some part of it, especially the part that is important, is a lie. You lie to yourself that you are still in love when there was no love in the first place. You find happiness in believing that everyone loves you, especially about the ones who dont. And you ignore the ones who do. Everything has become so corrupted and twisted in this life. Practicality is given more importnce than relations and life itself. You keep yourself in the darkness with respect to everything. Even remain ignorant to the fact that you are living a lie. What you say, what you wear, what you think doesnt depict what you are anymore. All these are lies to cover up what you really are. No one knows anyone.
People who have read this far might be wondering what is wrong with me. I dont know. (That's a lie). Some might just deny all of this.But what is Life?
.
.
.
.
.
Life is eternal denial of lies and love that is always there, in search for something greater.
Current Mood: Cold
Current Music: Laree chootee
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Something Precious
krishnaveni | 1 April 2007, 2:39am
A year ago...
I came back from college and opened the door. Darkness. It has always been this way. Ever since I found my way into this room, it has always been dark. There was just one slight difference today. It had the presence of someone in it. A stranger was in there, spreading light like a candle, there in the middle of the room. At first I had my own apprehensions. Trust is something that doesn’t go well with me, for I have forgotten to trust. But the stranger turned out to be good.
Everyday I would come back, find the same candle lighting up all the bright red walls. There was a rhythm in the air that kept me sane. And day-by-day this rhythm grew warmer. Soon I was coming home to someone. Someone, who wasn’t a stranger anymore, someone I had learnt to trust over the months. The changes that came in me were surprising. Darkness, which I once loved, began to scare me for, I had got used to the light. There were smiles, and most important of all there was life, in its fullest. Days became wonderful and nights were spent in good memories.
Just like always, I came back home that day. And found that the candle had flickered out. My friend had left me to darkness. I was scared to face it again. I closed my eyes hoping that this dream would come to an end, hoping that I would find my light again. But it was same. The rhythm was cold and scary. The bright red walls seemed dull. It was as if I had fallen into some dark bottomless pit. I cried for help for the first few days. Then I just cried because I knew nobody could hear me. Slowly the tears vanished and there was just pain. Hope wilted away like a dead flower. The walls cracked as the pain grew more and more. It was excruciating. I couldn’t get out of it. And I thought I never would.
That thought scared me. What if I were to live this way for ever? Closed in this cabin always, the cracked walls ridiculing my foolishness? So I left it.
Today....
It’s been a year. And I am trying to forget. Pretending that everything is fine with me.
Today I sat and thought. Wondered if I could catch back on what had happened and maybe it could change what will happen in the future. So I braved myself to walk back into my room. Once again there was the same old darkness. At first I wanted to leave. But something kept me going on. There was the same cold rhythm and the flickered candle in the middle of the room. The first thing I did was to throw the candle away. It cleared my mind and the air. Soon I was breathing fine. The cracked red walls were healing. Earlier I was living dead. And I decided to change that. There was light again. And this time no stranger helped. It was me.
I realized how important it was to live. The bright red walls were amazing to look at. The rhythm was music to my ears. It was like someone was playing the violin, soft yet powerful. There it was the most beautiful thing ever. MY HEART.
The stranger came in silently and left the same way. Neither the entrance nor the egress caused worry. It was the time that we spent. But memories will always be there. I have learnt to take chances and depend on myself if everything ever goes wrong.
This was my story about a beautiful relationship with a stranger. Every story has an ending. And our life is a mixture of such stories. But in life every ending has a new beginning.
Current Mood: Feeling Better
Current Music: the unloved
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Finding Myself
krishnaveni | 5 March 2007, 12:05pm
I have been too long in the shadows
Can’t find my own anymore
Everything seems mine
But it’s known that nothing belongs to me.
My time in the darkness is done
I want to find my own sunshine
And make my own blossoms
With my own special moments.
I am trying to find myself
In the mirror right in front of me.
All I see are images
Of what I want to be and what I can be.
The real me is hidden somewhere
Playing hide and seek.
It’s time for me to keep the den
And find me before time runs out.Current Mood: Confused
Current Music: main aisa kyu hoon
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Memories arent given they are made....
krishnaveni | 20 February 2007, 9:04pm
Hmmm…. What is this life all about? What is the driving force? Well lets put it this way, why is it that you wanna live? My answer is its because of all those little things that keep reminding you that life is a bundle of joys, however small they may be. I call them memories. Everyone has memories, both good and bad. The good ones get a smile on your face and the bad ones shape your future. True isn’t it?
So what qualify as memories? The first time you fell in love, the first time you kissed, the first time you ever fought and said sorry, the first time you ever held in your hands a new born baby. The list goes on. Infact anything that makes you think that your past was good and makes you believe that the future will be even better is a memory. And a very precious one will give you the hope that the coming days will hold more memories, good ones of course.
But sometimes people don’t quite realize the importance of whats being said about memories. Consider the situation where in someone who has given you the most precious ones, ones that you wish to hold onto forever as long as you live, and says that they happened because he/she ‘wanted to give you memories’ thinking you couldn’t make any on your own. Everything just seems manipulated and preplanned. The importance of those memories is lost and gone forever. Nothing they say or do will bring it back again.
And at this point, I am scared to let anyone come close enough to give me memories because I don’t know if they are genuine. And I don’t want to remember the past ones because I don’t know if they were true. Someone once said that “Life is all about living in the moment”. I agree… it is about living in the moments just taking it as it comes even if it comes too fast at you. Look ahead for your future, that’s not a mistake. But don’t ignore the present and don’t plan these moments of life. Because the real beauty lies in the imperfections. Anything perfect need not always give you happiness.
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: yeh zindagi usiki hain
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Bapu bole
krishnaveni | 15 February 2007, 3:17pm
Ever wondered how life comes to a point where you are saturated because of everything and are vexed to death. Every thing that was once precious now seems worthless. Everyone whom you admired once are now not there and you think where the adulation has gone to? Everything said and done is just a lie now. And u don’t want to lie anymore. That is how it was that day. . . . .
I was on my way back home after a long and tired journey. My general frustration about life increased exponentially when my car broke down right in front of this huge statue of the mahatma. I looked at it and smiled in my own way comforting myself that at least I am not the one who was once admired and then forgotten except for a statue that stands alone against the cold dark night. Popularity has never worked for me and hence I stopped doing things that would make me popular in any way. I am happily leading a life away from this weird society because we have fallen apart from each other.
Waiting for my bus to get fixed and cursing the driver that he had wasted much of my time (in which I do nothing except gaze and think), I slowly took out my mobile and started deleting all the names from my list. That was the height of frustration I reached. Didn’t feel like knowing anyone let alone talking to them. Suddenly I hear a strange noise, like something has just cracked. I thought for a moment, listened intently with all my power and on hearing nothing got back to my routine. It happened again. I looked at the bus driver; he was at the dhaba right opposite drinking some chai. And then it happened again. I was scared shitless but managed not to show it on my face. “You are very brave” someone said. I looked up to see and then he was there looking right at me… the great mahatma squatting on a huge granite block. “You are brave but foolish”….
I didn’t know if I was imagining but the rock spoke… it really opened its mouth and words came out of it. “Excuse me” I said, “if anyone is playing a prank this is not so funny”. “Its not a prank dear child, what you are seeing and hearing is me, I am M.K. Gandhi”. “What the %#$$^?” And I stopped abruptly thinking that if it were true I shouldn’t be caught swearing in front of the mahatma.
“Let it all come out. Bottling things up in your head will damage your thoughts”. I have heard that before but never cared enough to practice it. “Are you alright dear, you seem all low and depressed? Well I am depressed. Life is not turning out the way I planned. Things are going awry. I have landed myself in a situation where there is no way out. That’s why I am running away from this.” “Do u think running away will solve your problems? Stand up for yourself. Life has its way of testing your nature. And right now you are going through the same phase. Believe me dear, this too shall pass”. “Yeah I know that this will pass and the coming one will be even worse!!!” There was an abrupt silence and it spoke again…..” Dear, you are under a misconception. You have misunderstood life, nature and its course. Whatever is best for you will happen to you. All you have to do is wait patiently. I know you might say that you have waited enough. But when you have waited this long I know that you can wait for some time more. Your generation claims to be fats and furious but believe me nothing can be done until the time is ripe”. “how will I know that the time is ripe?” I protested. “Life will show you signs of what you should and shouldn’t do. It will guide you to the right path and the necessary destination. The one who made all of us has written our lives with the beauty of love and relationships. He has given us the chance to be good at what we already are. It just takes time to realize it. And time will surely come. It took us 200 years to find freedom and when you have the freedom you are not utilizing it to the best. 200 years is a very long wait and we came over it with patience and hope”.
I then realized something. What bapu said was absolutely true. My current state was because I had lost hope in the future. I had forgotten that patience bears the sweetest fruit. I changed my mind. Decided to fight back and get my life back on track. There will be no running away.
I turned around to thank him for having shown me the right way but he wasn’t there. I hope he will come back again. Come back to show that life doesn’t end with troubles. In fact it begins with them.
Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: none
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The Girl Who Wished
krishnaveni | 25 March 2006, 9:44pm
Every morning she woke up… wishing for a better day. She had her bath wishing it wasn’t the same boring schedule for this day too. She combed her hair hoping it had been smaller and easy to manage. She got ready wishing it were a less tedious process. She walked to the bus stop wishing it were closer than this. She waited for her bus wishing it would come quicker.
She got into the bus hoping she would manage a seat. She sat through the journey praying it would be a little less long. All the time she prayed that the journey would just end. She went to college hoping that she could be a little more positive today. She attended all the classes wishing that one of them would be a little more relieving.
She would go and talk to everybody hoping that they would be just as nice to her as she was to them. She would sleep in between classes just like everybody else. She wished and wished that the lecture would end soon. She kept watching the clock as time ticked away waiting for it to move fast.
She got back into the bus hoping that it would reach home soon. She tried sleeping hoping she could get some quality sleep. She would try not replying to those idiotic forward sms.
After reaching home she would hope that nobody would irritate her. Then she would hope and pray that he would fall in love with her. That he could love her just as much as she loved him. That he would think of her just as she did of him.
Then she would go to sleep hoping the next day would be better….
veni
Current Mood: Feeling Better
Current Music: TV
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Shadows
krishnaveni | 19 January 2006, 7:01pm
I’ve been watching, I’ve been waiting in the shadows for my time. I’ve been searching; I’ve been living for tomorrow’s all my life. (These must have come from a great mind.)
I wake up and find myself cast into shadows. Shadows of helplessness and despair. Shadows of sorrow. Shadows of just plain darkness and nothing else. Sometimes these shadows melt into a larger one and sometimes they just disappear. But it’s an awful feeling. It feels like nothing in life will ever happen right (ever again). It drains out all the life (described as a dementor’s attack in Harry potter) and happiness out of every cell in your body. You sometimes wish you were never alive to face such things. The hope to fight back withers away but slowly and painfully, reminding you every second that you are a coward because you are giving in. It’s an internal conflict, making you weaker every time there is a suitable situation.
If you can look on the brighter side (that’s a paradox but every shadow is cast because there is light), these are just the games people play to let you realize how important it is for you and everyone to fight back. As I said every shadow has a light behind it. It’s for us to find that light and let it guide us through the shadow.
Our presence in a shadow should also give us the patience to wait for the guiding light. (Until then we wait in the shadows). All that matters is how calm we can be and how true we are to our inner self.
I have seen people give up on life. So this is an article to all those that there is always light after darkness, every cloud has a silver lining. Every one of us has troubles and not everyone gets a chance to stand up and do something for him or herself. And when we get a chance we are way too ignorant to accept it.
People wait in their lives for miracles to happen, but often forget that they can make one on their own.
Current Mood: Feeling Better
Current Music: none
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Love is Sweet Nothings
krishnaveni | 11 January 2006, 7:24pm
The beauty of life amazes me. It can show itself at the darkest of moments as the tiniest of sparks. Love is one such bundle of sparks that carries life and light enough to brighten up the dullest of days. One simple touch can say a lot more than what words might. One simple hello…can mean, “I am missing you”. One simple mention from the person you love about your looks can drive away all the sadness about being not perfect.
I can go on mentioning what makes love love… but what really matters are these simple things. Somebody once said, “Little drops of water make the mighty ocean”. And sweet little nothings make up this mighty ocean of love.
It can be anything. A simple flower, a sweet little kiss, a mention of how good the other person looks or even simpler just a look that says it all. It is pleasant to hear your name from the person you love. It is wonderful to walk along saying nothing at all but just treasuring the moments of being together.
It need not be only this. It’s wonderful to have your mom look out for you until u reach home. The concern shown by your siblings is precious enough. The moments spent with friends are a great treasure. Those times when u bunk college to go to movies, the way you can sit and sing about friendship promising you would never part again…all these things are memories that make life worth living.
The world is full of these sweet nothings… so called because they are just tiny memories, which build up a great treasure. Its juts for us to be on look out for them. Be careful enough to notice these tiny sparks of life.
Current Mood: Preachy
Current Music: SONG FOR THE UNLOVED-BSB
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